Holy Mother of Jesus! I don’t think I have ever been in so much pain in my life.

And to think that it is self inflicted under the guise of self improvement is really too much. Exercise is the exact opposite of the “m” word. You don’t like people seeing you do it and it’s the absolute opposite of pleasure. For a WASP to be seen struggling like this really doesn’t do. It’s almost as bad as chewing gum. This is the day I begin my workouts in earnest. I begin with my Cybex workout. The weights that seemed easy with Mike the pretty boy who apparently started weight training at age two now feel like the 12 Labors of Hercules. I am supposed to do three sets of 15 repetitions at each device. It’s actually ending up to be something like 10, 6, 4. That’s on the easy ones. I realize now how hard and long the journey from Homer Simpson to Hugh Jackman will be.

After giving the Cybex machines my best college try, I realize from reading come calorie counter websites that I haven’t burned off many calories so I go off to the elliptical trainer to burn at least 100 more calories. This is the equivalent of an oatmeal raisin cookie. 1 serving size. Who comes up with these serving sized anyway? A vindictive Asian midget. That’s who.

So, I take my disciplined self up to the area with the treadmills and elliptical trainers. Luckily for me I can enter my weight and age and it tells me that eventually I have elliptically shed 100 calories. That took seemingly an eternity, but really it was less than 30 minutes. They have televisions and I watched part of Leave it to Beaver. Mrs. Cleaver’s posture should be an inspiration to women everywhere. Nurturing and correctness reached its apogee with that character.

Next I decided to take the Body Flow class. It’s a combo tai chi and yoga class. I thought it would be good because I would stretch. I had no idea what I was in for. Some of the positions give me a whole new respect for a male dog when he pees. My abs and hamstrings will never be the same. It will be days before I recover.